The Sunday Blues

I am really pissed at myself today because I have been eating like crap all weekend and just generally feeling like crap too.  I drank way too much on Friday night.  Sugary, fruity drinks and party noshes are a bad combo.  Even yesterday I ate like crap.  I did it knowingly with the excuse that it was still a holiday.  I am talking sesame shrimp and cookies bad. 

I feel like I was colluding with the old me all weekend.  The me that let myself get up to 310 lbs.  The me who used any excuse to eat like shit and not go to the gym.  Arbor Day?  Bring on the cake!!  UGH.  I hate that part of myself.  I think it is the part of me that is kinda scared by the changes that I am seeing. 

My belt is too big.  I should be excited by that--and believe me I am--but at the same time, I remember when I bought this belt.  I was in Maine visiting a friend and my jeans kept sliding under my rolls, so I needed a belt to keep them lodged between roll one and roll two (the same 18s that I can now take off without unbuttoning them).  I bought this belt in a bigger size because I wanted to be able to use one of the back holes.  Oh, the tricks we fatties employ to deceive ourselves. 

Over the last 3 years, I progressed to having to use the very first hole.  Embarrassed that the tip barely reached to the little tip holder.  Angry that I went from the back holes to the front ones.  Mad that I had eaten my way out of the Old Navy jeans I was wearing the day I bought them and right back into a sz 22.

So here I am and the belt doesn't even fit on the very last hole.  I know I need to buy a new one because my pants are sliding off, but I don't want to.  I am terrified of taking that step.  What if my band slips and I gain it all back?  I do have a weird stomach ache right now.  Much too low to be band related, but still.  The thought of not having Hedwig in there anymore just makes me so aware of how out of control I was before he made his way into my belly via my bellybutton. 

My therapist asks me all the time why I am scared to be thin.  I have given her many answers over the years, but I don't think I have really reached the root of it yet.  I guess the short answer is that it is the unknown.  I have never been thin.  I suspect I have been in the overweight-morbidly obese BMI range since I was 8 years old.  Being a healthy weight would be as strange to me as if someone suddenly turned me into a white male.  Ok.  Maybe that is a little drastic, but you know what I mean. Basically, being a fat person is so closely tied to how I think, that it is an essential part of who I am.  I need to relearn how to be me and that scares the shit out of me. 

Happy New Year!!!

I hope everyone had a great, safe night.  I went to a party and had a terrific time.  Lots of compliments and boob-touching.  The party was hosted by my friend Vinny and his partner Nick.  I don't know why gay boys like touching my boobs so much, but I wish I could get that much attention from straight boys.

My favorite guest at the party!!

Anyway, I over-indulged last night and I am paying for it today.  I am sooo tight.  Nothing is going down.  I think maybe I am dehydrated from the copious amounts of vodka, but I am not sure.  Any drinkers out there care to weigh in???

I have been sipping warm tea for the last hour trying to loosen things up because I am soooo hungry.  Nothing cures a hangover like a bunless, low-fat cheese burger (UM. NOT). 

I hope everyone had a great night and an even better 2011.  I started this year down 55 lbs in a size 16 jeans.  The year can only get better with such a wonderful start!!!  

Guess what? I have a lap band

I had surgery on 9/13/10, but I don't think I really got it until 11/29/10 when I went for my third and final for awhile fill.  I am not too tight as I first assumed.  It is just that I hit my sweet spot (I think)!  I have to eat sooo slowly and take the smallest bites. I know that is the whole premise of the band, but that is what I thought I was doing before.  Wow.  I totally didn't get it until I got semi-stuck for the first time. My weight loss has been steadily plodding along. That number up there?  The really big one?  THAT IS HOW MUCH I HAVE LOST!!!!!!!!!

I didn't want to come on here and just talk about how great I am doing and be all ME ME ME.  Then I remembered that it is my damn blog.  SO . . . I can't remember feeling this good in a long time.  I ROCK!!  Ok.  Back to humility.  I don't comment very often on other blogs because I read from work and I am not allowed to post/comment on things from there.  But, I am keeping up with everyone. 

I went out last night and put in some effort with the hair and make-up.  I felt great.  Then this morning when I was on facebook I found a picture of me from August that I hadn't seen.  Holy Mary Mother of God. 

This woman is not happy.

THAT is the real smile.

I still have a ways to go, but pictures like these remind me that I have come a long way already.  The biggest difference between August and last night is in how I feel physically and about myself.  That is what I see the most in these pics and I LOVE it.

Thanksgiving 2010

Let's see what was different this year:

• I ate a small dessert plate of food instead of two huge dinner plates
• I took the time to do my hair and make-up
• I went out and bought an outfit instead of wearing whatever fit and hid the most of my rolls
• I stood proud in pictures instead of hiding behind people in pictures
• I felt really damn good

This year was awesome.  I don't post as much now or check as many blogs and I don't know why that is, but I am so happy these days that I am not going to beat myself up over it.  I have been working out 6 days a week and I feel fan-fucking-tastic.  Behold:

Last year with my mom and sister

This year 41 lbs down!!!

Edited to add another pic because I felt so hot!  Also, my sister has lost over 20lbs on her own, so she deserves an updated pic also.

10% DOWN!!!

I made my 10%.  I feel like I should give myself a little charm Weight Watchers style.  I have some other NSVs to report as well:

• I am comfortably wearing an 18 from Old Navy.  
• I am 9.25 inches down off of my body total.  I should post my measurements soon!
• I made 60 cupcakes last weekend and only ate 1.  Didn't even have one at the party.
• My disaster-ex flared up again this week and I did NOT eat my pain.  

I have some restriction from the first fill.  Actually, I have a lot of restriction.  I am eating so much less and I am not hungry even if I have gone a while.  It was better last week and this week I am eating slightly more, but I think I am really close to the sweet spot. 

I have not been blogging a lot. The primary reason is that I have been going out again.  Seeing friends.  Working out after work.  Doing things other than coming home and feeling sorry for myself and hiding.  That is no excuse not to blog, but it feels good to be feeling kinda cute again. 


I am going to a party tonight and I plan on spending all day tomorrow catching up on blogs and commenting.  But tonight I am putting on those 18s and strutting my smaller stuff!!

Into the Mouth of the Beast

Off to help a friend make and ice 60 cupcakes for a party tomorrow.  Pray for me. (On a happier note, I retired my old pants. I can remove them without unbuttoning them.  I just bought a pair in a size smaller for said party tomorrow.  I will post pics!)

For better or worse . . . 1 month pictures

First of all, thanks to Jen for showing us all how to do this.  So easy! Jen's Picnik Tutorial

And then extra thanks to my wonderful sister-friends who helped with the photo shoot:  Rebecca, the fabulous photographer; Meghan, the apartment owner with the perfect black photo taking wall; and Catherine, the occasional chandelier holder. Rebecca even made me homemade meatballs because I am still on post-fill mushies. Having a support system during this process is so important and I have such a tremendous one.  Between my large family and all of my friends, I am so supported and loved.

Ok. Can't put it off with Academy Award thank you speeches any longer. 

The pictures. 

Wow.  Eww. Gross.  Don't post them.  Hide them.  Delete them.  These are all thoughts that went through my head upon seeing the collages when I was done.  WHY ISN'T THERE MORE OF A DIFFERENCE????  I can barely see a change and in some of them, I think the afters are slightly fatter than the befores.  How can that be????  I contemplated never posting these, but I promised myself that I would no matter how bad they are and how many months it takes for them to look good. 

I keep repeating "It's only been a month.  It's only been a month."  If I say it enough, maybe I won't jump off of the roof.  Besides no one and I mean NO ONE looks good in too small gym clothes. (Well maybe skinny girls.  But larger-boned girls should avoid this look.)

Without further ado . . .

Please tell me next time my shorts are riding up from chub rub!!

This is the only one where I can see a slight difference.

Can't wait until the back pics don't look like a 5-tiered wedding cake!