Saturday, July 3, 2010

Welcome to the Club--you've been a member for a long time, you just didn't know it

I went to an information seminar with Dr. Ren last week. It started out not so great in the way that everything these days is not so great.

  • It is summer. I spend every second calculating how far I will need to walk and trying to estimate exactly how sweaty I will be when I arrive at my destination. I don't mean "dewy skinny girl" sweaty. I mean "morbidly obese, mop your forehead with the paper towel you always carry" sweaty. Luckily the place anticipated what a room full of MO people in June would look like and the AC was cranked up high.
  • When I wasn't stressing over being sweaty, I was asking my sister if she thought every fat girl walking in the same direction was going to the seminar. They were.
  • Then when I walked into the auditorium I spotted a guy who was too big to fit in the auditorium seats. He had a chair in the back. My first thought was what am I doing here? I don't need to be here. I even made a joke about some girls legs rubbing together on the way in. WHY DO I DO THAT?
After it got underway and I really started listening I felt like someone was offering me the keys to the kingdom. I started to think that this really might be my last chance and that made me confront some things that have been hiding behind denial. I know now why I was so callous towards the girl and the man earlier.

  • I hate fat people. I do. I truly believe in my heart that fat people are disgusting and lazy and don't deserve love.
  • I have managed to convince myself with the help of well-meaning friends and creative vision, that I am not really that fat. I can look in the mirror and really see something that is not there and then my friends tell me that I am beautiful, so I am.
  • I have spent years yo-yo dieting and pretending to myself that I am alright. I have spent hours and countless money at the rheumatologist trying to understand why I have knee pain. Refusing to even consider that it might be because I weigh 300 pounds. I still struggle into my skinny clothes from the last round of diets without realizing they still fit because I have stretched the hell out of them. On Tuesday, June 29 I took a long hard look at myself and here is what I discovered.

Not anymore. I have appointments with my PCP, the surgeon, the shrink, the nutritionist and everyone else required to start this journey.

I can't live in denial any longer about who I am. It is not muscle. I don't have big bones. I am fat. But, I am not disgusting and lazy. I do deserve to be loved and I am loved by people who are a lot less judgmental (and frankly crazy) than I myself am. I will not hide anymore. No more sweaters in the summer to hide my fat arms. No more looking away from really fat people because God forbid they think I am one of them. I AM ONE OF THEM. I am not proud of it, but I need to face it, fix it, and get on with a life where I don't spent 99% of it tricking myself into believing a lie.

PHEW. That was a lot, but I really feel like I am discovering myself as a part of this journey and I need somewhere to get it out.

Up there is me now. That girl is loved and deserves it. But I can't wait to meet the girl that comes out on the other side of this adventure. She is going to be one healthy, awesome, skinny bitch because she is going to be honest with herself and about herself.

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