Sunday, October 3, 2010

Is There a Negligent Blogger Award?

I am one.  A shitty blog writer.  A shitty blog reader.  And a shitty blog supporter. I have no excuse really.  Something is going on with me and I don't want to seem like a whiny baby, so I have not been blogging about it.  I am struggling.  It is more psychological than anything. 

I live in constant fear that I am doing this wrong.  I can't tell if I am eating enough or eating too much because I am never really hungry.  I realize that this is not a problem, but a blessing that I would have given a limb for 3 months. ago.  I am not complaining about that. 

I think this all stems from the fact that the scale has stopped moving.  I have been batting around the same two pounds for a week and the week before I only lost about 2 lbs.  Normal weight loss, I know.  But a severe let down after such big losses.  Basically, I have painted myself into a corner by being so excited about the big losses.  Now that it has stopped, I keep freaking out and wondering if I broke the band. I have a pain in the geneal area where I think the port might be.  Is that it flipping?  I wake up with a weird feeling pressure in the back of my throat if I am lying flat?  Is that an esophogial spasm? 


I have got to stop being so neurotic.  The first step to doing that is to give up lapbandtalk. com. Before my surgery, I read every thread every night before I went to bed.  It made me feel informed.  It made me feel closer to my goal of getting banded.  Now that I have gotten banded all I ever seem to read about on there is people failing and weird complications.  For my own sanity, I need to give it a rest and have my own experience. 

If I see one more thread about someone not losing any weight after months of having the band, when I am at a plateau I might cry.  I will go back someday because there are a lot of positive things to learn there, but right now it just feels way too doom and gloom for my present panic. 

I need to pick myself out of this private panic room.  I need a plan.  A plan is only an idea until it is documented.  (Project Management rears its ugly head.)  Here is my plan:

  • Start tracking daily intake.  Not to feel like a diet, but just to feel like I have some control and knowledge over what my actual intake is.  I will not do this forever.  Part of getting a band was that I don't want to spend my life tracking calories.  But until I learn how to eat again, I need training wheels
  • Force myself to drink more water. 
  • Start blogging again.  Every day.  Even if I just type nonsense. Whenever I put off doing something, but think about it all the time, it is a sign to myself that I fear that thing.  In most cases, it is a fear of confronting something.  In this case, blogging makes me feel accountable.  If I ignore that I have not lost any weight and don't put it down for anyone--including myself--to read, I can continue to pretend that this whole band thing is a breeze.
  • Give myself a fucking break.  It has been three weeks.  I have had three decades to completely warp my eating habits and body image.  CHILL OUT.  This isn't going to happen quickly and I am not going to automatically wake up from surgery and know how and when to eat.  
  • Vacuum the cat hair off of the damn treadmill and use it every night.  I have a treadmill at home and membership to TWO gyms with locations all over NY.  I have not worked out in two months.  I can't swim yet, but I can damn well get on the treadmill IN MY OWN HOUSE and walk for 30 minutes.  
See.  I feel better already.  I love a plan.


  1. You have a really good plan, now you really need to concentrate on not getting down on yourself. And don't not blog because you feel like it's all complaints. Part of the blogging experience is getting to work through what you are going through with others who have been through it and can offer advice, or words of encouragement. take it one step at a time. You'll get through it!

  2. Breeeeeeathe!!!!

    OK. Breathing?

    This is a big thing we've just changed in our lives. I regularly question my sanity, what the pain in my back is, omg did I just open an incision..etc etc etc.

    It's all normal (and quite frankly, if you were just smooth sailing through this whole thing, you'd freak me out!)

    Blogging (both writing and reading) helps sooooo much. I don't think I have been to LBT since my plans either, too much negativity.

    I like your plan. A lot of this stuff I need to do as well. Shoot me an email if you wanna talk (left it on another post, but liz dot faughnan at gmail).

    Oh, and the scrambled eggs were just ok. The meatloaf I made for dinner, however. YEAH. That's the stuff.

  3. You're doing fine. 2 lbs. a week is not a plateau. When is your first fill? Remember the band is not working the way it was designed to until you've had on average 3-5 fills.