I live in constant fear that I am doing this wrong. I can't tell if I am eating enough or eating too much because I am never really hungry. I realize that this is not a problem, but a blessing that I would have given a limb for 3 months. ago. I am not complaining about that.
I think this all stems from the fact that the scale has stopped moving. I have been batting around the same two pounds for a week and the week before I only lost about 2 lbs. Normal weight loss, I know. But a severe let down after such big losses. Basically, I have painted myself into a corner by being so excited about the big losses. Now that it has stopped, I keep freaking out and wondering if I broke the band. I have a pain in the geneal area where I think the port might be. Is that it flipping? I wake up with a weird feeling pressure in the back of my throat if I am lying flat? Is that an esophogial spasm?
I AM MAKING MYSELF INSANE WITH WORRY!!!!!
I have got to stop being so neurotic. The first step to doing that is to give up lapbandtalk. com. Before my surgery, I read every thread every night before I went to bed. It made me feel informed. It made me feel closer to my goal of getting banded. Now that I have gotten banded all I ever seem to read about on there is people failing and weird complications. For my own sanity, I need to give it a rest and have my own experience.
If I see one more thread about someone not losing any weight after months of having the band, when I am at a plateau I might cry. I will go back someday because there are a lot of positive things to learn there, but right now it just feels way too doom and gloom for my present panic.
I need to pick myself out of this private panic room. I need a plan. A plan is only an idea until it is documented. (Project Management rears its ugly head.) Here is my plan:
- Start tracking daily intake. Not to feel like a diet, but just to feel like I have some control and knowledge over what my actual intake is. I will not do this forever. Part of getting a band was that I don't want to spend my life tracking calories. But until I learn how to eat again, I need training wheels
- Force myself to drink more water.
- Start blogging again. Every day. Even if I just type nonsense. Whenever I put off doing something, but think about it all the time, it is a sign to myself that I fear that thing. In most cases, it is a fear of confronting something. In this case, blogging makes me feel accountable. If I ignore that I have not lost any weight and don't put it down for anyone--including myself--to read, I can continue to pretend that this whole band thing is a breeze.
- Give myself a fucking break. It has been three weeks. I have had three decades to completely warp my eating habits and body image. CHILL OUT. This isn't going to happen quickly and I am not going to automatically wake up from surgery and know how and when to eat.
- Vacuum the cat hair off of the damn treadmill and use it every night. I have a treadmill at home and membership to TWO gyms with locations all over NY. I have not worked out in two months. I can't swim yet, but I can damn well get on the treadmill IN MY OWN HOUSE and walk for 30 minutes.