I am really pissed at myself today because I have been eating like crap all weekend and just generally feeling like crap too. I drank way too much on Friday night. Sugary, fruity drinks and party noshes are a bad combo. Even yesterday I ate like crap. I did it knowingly with the excuse that it was still a holiday. I am talking sesame shrimp and cookies bad.
I feel like I was colluding with the old me all weekend. The me that let myself get up to 310 lbs. The me who used any excuse to eat like shit and not go to the gym. Arbor Day? Bring on the cake!! UGH. I hate that part of myself. I think it is the part of me that is kinda scared by the changes that I am seeing.
My belt is too big. I should be excited by that--and believe me I am--but at the same time, I remember when I bought this belt. I was in Maine visiting a friend and my jeans kept sliding under my rolls, so I needed a belt to keep them lodged between roll one and roll two (the same 18s that I can now take off without unbuttoning them). I bought this belt in a bigger size because I wanted to be able to use one of the back holes. Oh, the tricks we fatties employ to deceive ourselves.
Over the last 3 years, I progressed to having to use the very first hole. Embarrassed that the tip barely reached to the little tip holder. Angry that I went from the back holes to the front ones. Mad that I had eaten my way out of the Old Navy jeans I was wearing the day I bought them and right back into a sz 22.
So here I am and the belt doesn't even fit on the very last hole. I know I need to buy a new one because my pants are sliding off, but I don't want to. I am terrified of taking that step. What if my band slips and I gain it all back? I do have a weird stomach ache right now. Much too low to be band related, but still. The thought of not having Hedwig in there anymore just makes me so aware of how out of control I was before he made his way into my belly via my bellybutton.
My therapist asks me all the time why I am scared to be thin. I have given her many answers over the years, but I don't think I have really reached the root of it yet. I guess the short answer is that it is the unknown. I have never been thin. I suspect I have been in the overweight-morbidly obese BMI range since I was 8 years old. Being a healthy weight would be as strange to me as if someone suddenly turned me into a white male. Ok. Maybe that is a little drastic, but you know what I mean. Basically, being a fat person is so closely tied to how I think, that it is an essential part of who I am. I need to relearn how to be me and that scares the shit out of me.