A Wise Woman Once Said

. . . that new banders should be sure to have lots of before pics in the same outfits from month to month. (Thanks, Catherine!) So, I am going to post a few before pictures. I still have the components of these hideous outfits-including the Gap velour track pants that are desperately trying not to bust at the seams!-so I will use them. Regarding the silliness next door, I can't seem to get in front of a camera without practicing my Tyra "Fierce Eye" at least once. Although this picture looks a lot like Lazy Eye. I am hoping that weight loss won't accentuate the uneven eyes I just discovered. (Great! Another flaw to obsess over.)

I think my mind's eye is on the fritz. Surely if I had seen the horror revealed in these pictures I would have become a shut-in long ago. The ability to deny what is staring me in the round face is certainly handy, but something I hope to never need again.

Without further ado, I give you my Befores. May you not recoil in horror or laugh in jest. Underneath the flubber and HORRIBLE FASHION SENSE is a terrific girl who just got a little lost at the buffet.

September 13--Holy Shit

It is so much more real now that I have met with the surgeon and have a date. FREAKING OUT.

I had three appointments yesterday. First was Frank the nurse who took all of my medical info. Then he measured me. I am 5' 9". I have been 5' 8.5" for years. Is it possible that I gained enough weight in the soles of my feet to grow half an inch? Can that happen?

Then I met with Rachel the dietitian. When she first walked over she was exactly the kinda girl that I judge and hate on sight. Very thin, well dressed, cute shoes, and happy. Instant HATE. I did what I always do and tried to find flaws with her. It is a terrible habit and I know I do it because of jealousy and self hatred.

I dream that someday some obese girl will look at me in my cute dress and shoes and think "bitch." In my fantasy, I will nod sagely and whisper "lap-band." Paying it forward.

Then I met Dr. Ren. Also very thin and perky. Squashed down the instant hate when I remembered that I am literally putting my life in this woman's slender hands. She is going to help me be like her, so I need to chill with the fatty attitude.

She said that I might be a candidate for the Single Incision surgery. God willing. She also said that she thinks my stomach might be too SMALL for the Realize band. Let me repeat that. MY STOMACH IS TOO SMALL. It's difficult being so petite.

Anyway, next was Nilsa. She is the insurance coordinator. She helped me pick out my date. Initially she said August 30 and I shat a small puppy because that is practically tomorrow! Then she bumped me for a gastric bypass and now I have September 13. It's only two weeks later, but it feels like an eternity. I do not know how I am going to wait six weeks.

I also realize that I have to stop what I like to call my Cuisines of the World Overeating World Tour. It's a weird feeling. I am sure that anyone who is in the process understands. I keep having these "Never Again Will I Eat [__________]" feelings and then I eat said item.



My latest worry is that I will gain so much in the 4 weeks before the pre-op diet starts, that I will only get back to my consultation weight after pre-op and Dr. Ren will scowl at my fatty liver and sew me back up. So last night's Gallic feast was the end. Ok. I know I had ribs for dinner, but only a half rack. I'm practically on Weight Watchers.

Pros and Cons

Cons

• I could die. Anesthesia at my weight is dangerous and there is always the risk of complications from it

• I might not be able to change my eating habits which could lead to erosion or slippage. I hate to ask my family to go through all of this with me again because the band slipped

• I might be part of the small percentage who this does not work for.

• I might lose all of my friends because I can no longer eat as much. (This one is totally irrational, but I have this vision of everyone slipping away because I keep PBing in public.)

• I won't be able to drink anymore. (This one is not really that much of a con as I just ended a relationship with a man who had substance abuse issues. I pretty much stopped drinking anyway to be with him, and I really haven't started again.)

• I really don't like cooking all that much just for myself.
  

Pros

• My knees won't hurt with every step

• I won't be so hot and sweaty even in the winter

• I will be able to shop in all stores!

• I won't need to find a matching shrug for everything I buy

• I will be able to go and visit my godson in California without worrying about being too fat for the flight.

• I will be able to run around with said godson

• I won't walk into every situation feeling like I need to apologize for being so fat

• The playing field will be level. I can finally know with certainty that I didn't get the man/job/promotion/raise for reasons other than my weight.

• Gross men will stop saying "hey big girl" when I walk by. On that, ARE MEN EFFING STUPID?? How can they honestly think that is going to melt my heart and make me jump into their arms--thereby knocking them to ground and possibly concussing them, so really I win anyway.

• I will live longer and finally be happy with my weight. Not happy with my life--who knows what might creep up and I know that being skinny does not necessarily equate to being happy. But, for once, my weight won't be the constant unhappiness in the back of my mind.
  

Who Knew I Was So Ordinary?

I saw the psychiatrist that they require for NYU Langone today. He was really nice and put me at ease. I can't imagine why I was nervous in the first plaec because I have been talking to my own therapist Vera for years.

I guess I got it in my head that if I didn't give the right answers, he would deny me.

"Have you ever uses laxatives/diuretics or vomiting to lose weight?" The truth was yes. I struggled about whether being honest was going to make him think I had a crazy eating disorder. In the end, I decided that if I am not honest throughout this whole process there could be really awful consequences, so I told the truth.

Now, I need to clarify that I am not bulimic. I tried that once in my twenties and discovered that I can't vomit without peeing in my pants a little bit. That was the end of my bulimia because EWWW.

The laxatives came when I was doing LA Weight Loss. They have since gone bankrupt, but between August 2006 and January 2007, they were my savior. I lost about 50 lbs. Granted I was taking laxatives 2-3 times a week. They required weigh ins on Mon., Wed., and Fri, so the nights before I would take a laxative so the scale would go down. My "counselor" was a size 0 and had never struggled with her weight. She also was not satisfied with less than 3-5lb loss a week. Can't imagine why they went out of business.

Anyway, my whole point was that during the consult with the doctor, every time I whipped out one of my chubby girl, clever bon mots, the dr. said "I hear that a lot." WHAT?!?!

It is always so depressing to learn that you are a cliche. But, sadly, that is exactly what I am when it comes to my weight. The things that I tell myself are the same things that every other overweight person says in their own head. Luckily, I have a whole treasure chest of weird neuroses that are mine all mine. Once I conquer my girth, I can start work on my fear of wet paper.

Bad blogger

Now that I have made the decision to get the lap band, I do nothing but look at message boards and blogs. It has actually discouraged me from blogging on my own. I feel like I am not nearly as funny as some bloggers and it seems like such a tight knit community.

Then I realized that it is a tight knit community that always welcomes one more. There can never be too many success stories and people need to see the set backs also.

As someone who has not even had a consultation with the surgeon yet, I don't really have much to offer now, but I will!!

So until then I will continue to stalk Catherine, Amy, and Mary and hope for the day when I too can post pictures of large numbers!

Second Seminar

I went to the seminar again tonight with a few friends who were concerned. It went well. We had dinner afterwards and ate everything that was on the "bad" list. I tried taking smaller bites and chewing 15-20 times and it felt so weird.

I did notice that I kept eating after I was full just because it was in front of me. I think I will start using the trick of getting the To Go package as soon as the meal comes.

That was the absolute most boring blog entry ever. No one is reading this but me, and I even bore myself.

I did notice something interesting. Since I posted the first time, I have not worn a sweater to cover my arms. I always cover my arms in the summer because they are really fat--especially in situations where I am meeting new people. However, I just haven't felt the need lately. I'm not fooling anyone by hiding my arms, but I hate catching people looking at them. The sidelong glances embarrass me. Screw 'em. This summer has been over 90 degrees almost every day and I refuse to walk around swaddled in knits.

Welcome to the Club--you've been a member for a long time, you just didn't know it

I went to an information seminar with Dr. Ren last week. It started out not so great in the way that everything these days is not so great.

• It is summer. I spend every second calculating how far I will need to walk and trying to estimate exactly how sweaty I will be when I arrive at my destination. I don't mean "dewy skinny girl" sweaty. I mean "morbidly obese, mop your forehead with the paper towel you always carry" sweaty. Luckily the place anticipated what a room full of MO people in June would look like and the AC was cranked up high.

• When I wasn't stressing over being sweaty, I was asking my sister if she thought every fat girl walking in the same direction was going to the seminar. They were.
  

• Then when I walked into the auditorium I spotted a guy who was too big to fit in the auditorium seats. He had a chair in the back. My first thought was what am I doing here? I don't need to be here. I even made a joke about some girls legs rubbing together on the way in. WHY DO I DO THAT?

After it got underway and I really started listening I felt like someone was offering me the keys to the kingdom. I started to think that this really might be my last chance and that made me confront some things that have been hiding behind denial. I know now why I was so callous towards the girl and the man earlier.

• I hate fat people. I do. I truly believe in my heart that fat people are disgusting and lazy and don't deserve love.
  

• I have managed to convince myself with the help of well-meaning friends and creative vision, that I am not really that fat. I can look in the mirror and really see something that is not there and then my friends tell me that I am beautiful, so I am.

• I have spent years yo-yo dieting and pretending to myself that I am alright. I have spent hours and countless money at the rheumatologist trying to understand why I have knee pain. Refusing to even consider that it might be because I weigh 300 pounds. I still struggle into my skinny clothes from the last round of diets without realizing they still fit because I have stretched the hell out of them. On Tuesday, June 29 I took a long hard look at myself and here is what I discovered.
  

I AM A MORBIDLY OBESE WOMAN KILLING HERSELF WITH DENIAL.

Not anymore. I have appointments with my PCP, the surgeon, the shrink, the nutritionist and everyone else required to start this journey.

I can't live in denial any longer about who I am. It is not muscle. I don't have big bones. I am fat. But, I am not disgusting and lazy. I do deserve to be loved and I am loved by people who are a lot less judgmental (and frankly crazy) than I myself am. I will not hide anymore. No more sweaters in the summer to hide my fat arms. No more looking away from really fat people because God forbid they think I am one of them. I AM ONE OF THEM. I am not proud of it, but I need to face it, fix it, and get on with a life where I don't spent 99% of it tricking myself into believing a lie.

PHEW. That was a lot, but I really feel like I am discovering myself as a part of this journey and I need somewhere to get it out.

Up there is me now. That girl is loved and deserves it. But I can't wait to meet the girl that comes out on the other side of this adventure. She is going to be one healthy, awesome, skinny bitch because she is going to be honest with herself and about herself.