I want to talk about two words tonight. Worth and Anyway. Let's start with worth. I suppose now is as good a time as any for some history. Buckle in and get some wine because this is going to be a long one.
I started my first diet when I was 12. I remember being around that age when a boy I had a crush on called me Thunder Thighs. And just like that a lifetime of low self esteem was born. I have always been fat. The thinnest that I can remember being is a sz 12 when I was a senior in high school. Even then I thought I was huge. No one else was a sz 12 and they all had high school boyfriends while I did not. Therefore, I was fat and unlovable.
Not sure how much to put out here on the internet, but in for a penny, in for a pound. Angie posted something similar recently and I thought it was really brave. My reaction to feeling fat and unlovable was to "love" lots of people. Put bluntly, I became something of a round heel. I tramped my way through college and my twenties. It didn't matter that I was fat because did you see the hot guy that I hooked up with last weekend. Who cares that said hot guy didn't want to date me. I am lovable because he chose me. I can see now that I was giving my self-worth to these boys. I was only as good as the last man who wanted me.
What all of that sluttiness means is that it wasn't until I was 34 that I had a real relationship. I had my share--and probably yours--of sex, but no real love relationship. So rewind to 2009 when I met a guy who I just adored. He had substance abuse issues that started when he was a teenager. They say that people stop growing emotionally when they start using. So here he was basically 18 and here I was basically 15 with my first boyfriend. I have a very fledgling sense of self-worth and he has a long history of addiction.
Recipe for disaster.
Here we are 18 months later. We made it for a year and then it all fell apart. Actually, it started unraveling long before then, but I just didn't want to see it. (That self-worth thing again.) We split up and I decided to get a lap band 2 weeks later. (My therapist would probably have a lot to say about that timeline.) I've been so happy and determined. This community has been such a crutch for me as I dealt with the break-up and I have really started focusing on me again. I have felt great.
Then he came back to town. He's been here for a week and I have cried almost every one of those seven days for some reason. He has a new "friend." It's all so juvenile and high school and I don't even want to talk about it, but tonight was sorta my undoing and I just need to get it out.
She emailed me tonight while I was out with friends (damn facebook!) and told me the one thing that was certain to be my absolute undoing.
"He told me that you two stopped having sex because you were so fat."
She could have said anything else and I would have just laughed at her crazy ass and moved on. But this just hit so close to every insecurity that I have ever had that even as I type this I am crying. I know in my head that I can't give whatever small sense of self-worth I have nurtured to this evil bitch and my disaster of an ex. But, I am so heartbroken. I got so comfortable around him that I didn't even mind walking around in my bra. I finally felt like I was loved for me and apparently all along he was disgusted? unhappy? I don't even know.
That brings me to the next word. I talked to him the other day and he said "I never cared about your weight. I loved you ANYWAY." Such an unassuming, but damaging word. Note that he didn't say I loved you for you. He said I loved you anyway. Almost like saying despite how unlovable your fat ass was, I loved it ANYWAY.
Ugh. I am rambling. My emotions are just so raw right now and I can't even write my way out of this spiral of self-pity and sadness. I just want to remind myself and anyone else who may be in doubt that your weight is nothing except the amount of tissue, muscle, and, yes, fat that surrounds your soul. It's your heart and soul that matter and whether you are fat, skinny, or on your way to skinny--you deserve love. Not the kind that comes from a guy who won't remember your name. The kind that comes from inside yourself. My inner coffers are a bit low right now, but I'll be damned if I don't build them up again just to spite that asshole.