Guess what? I have a lap band

I had surgery on 9/13/10, but I don't think I really got it until 11/29/10 when I went for my third and final for awhile fill.  I am not too tight as I first assumed.  It is just that I hit my sweet spot (I think)!  I have to eat sooo slowly and take the smallest bites. I know that is the whole premise of the band, but that is what I thought I was doing before.  Wow.  I totally didn't get it until I got semi-stuck for the first time. My weight loss has been steadily plodding along. That number up there?  The really big one?  THAT IS HOW MUCH I HAVE LOST!!!!!!!!!

I didn't want to come on here and just talk about how great I am doing and be all ME ME ME.  Then I remembered that it is my damn blog.  SO . . . I can't remember feeling this good in a long time.  I ROCK!!  Ok.  Back to humility.  I don't comment very often on other blogs because I read from work and I am not allowed to post/comment on things from there.  But, I am keeping up with everyone. 

I went out last night and put in some effort with the hair and make-up.  I felt great.  Then this morning when I was on facebook I found a picture of me from August that I hadn't seen.  Holy Mary Mother of God. 

This woman is not happy.

THAT is the real smile.

I still have a ways to go, but pictures like these remind me that I have come a long way already.  The biggest difference between August and last night is in how I feel physically and about myself.  That is what I see the most in these pics and I LOVE it.

Thanksgiving 2010

Let's see what was different this year:

• I ate a small dessert plate of food instead of two huge dinner plates
• I took the time to do my hair and make-up
• I went out and bought an outfit instead of wearing whatever fit and hid the most of my rolls
• I stood proud in pictures instead of hiding behind people in pictures
• I felt really damn good

This year was awesome.  I don't post as much now or check as many blogs and I don't know why that is, but I am so happy these days that I am not going to beat myself up over it.  I have been working out 6 days a week and I feel fan-fucking-tastic.  Behold:

Last year with my mom and sister

This year 41 lbs down!!!

Edited to add another pic because I felt so hot!  Also, my sister has lost over 20lbs on her own, so she deserves an updated pic also.

10% DOWN!!!

I made my 10%.  I feel like I should give myself a little charm Weight Watchers style.  I have some other NSVs to report as well:

• I am comfortably wearing an 18 from Old Navy.  
• I am 9.25 inches down off of my body total.  I should post my measurements soon!
• I made 60 cupcakes last weekend and only ate 1.  Didn't even have one at the party.
• My disaster-ex flared up again this week and I did NOT eat my pain.  

I have some restriction from the first fill.  Actually, I have a lot of restriction.  I am eating so much less and I am not hungry even if I have gone a while.  It was better last week and this week I am eating slightly more, but I think I am really close to the sweet spot. 

I have not been blogging a lot. The primary reason is that I have been going out again.  Seeing friends.  Working out after work.  Doing things other than coming home and feeling sorry for myself and hiding.  That is no excuse not to blog, but it feels good to be feeling kinda cute again. 


I am going to a party tonight and I plan on spending all day tomorrow catching up on blogs and commenting.  But tonight I am putting on those 18s and strutting my smaller stuff!!

Into the Mouth of the Beast

Off to help a friend make and ice 60 cupcakes for a party tomorrow.  Pray for me. (On a happier note, I retired my old pants. I can remove them without unbuttoning them.  I just bought a pair in a size smaller for said party tomorrow.  I will post pics!)

For better or worse . . . 1 month pictures

First of all, thanks to Jen for showing us all how to do this.  So easy! Jen's Picnik Tutorial

And then extra thanks to my wonderful sister-friends who helped with the photo shoot:  Rebecca, the fabulous photographer; Meghan, the apartment owner with the perfect black photo taking wall; and Catherine, the occasional chandelier holder. Rebecca even made me homemade meatballs because I am still on post-fill mushies. Having a support system during this process is so important and I have such a tremendous one.  Between my large family and all of my friends, I am so supported and loved.

Ok. Can't put it off with Academy Award thank you speeches any longer. 

The pictures. 

Wow.  Eww. Gross.  Don't post them.  Hide them.  Delete them.  These are all thoughts that went through my head upon seeing the collages when I was done.  WHY ISN'T THERE MORE OF A DIFFERENCE????  I can barely see a change and in some of them, I think the afters are slightly fatter than the befores.  How can that be????  I contemplated never posting these, but I promised myself that I would no matter how bad they are and how many months it takes for them to look good. 

I keep repeating "It's only been a month.  It's only been a month."  If I say it enough, maybe I won't jump off of the roof.  Besides no one and I mean NO ONE looks good in too small gym clothes. (Well maybe skinny girls.  But larger-boned girls should avoid this look.)

Without further ado . . .

Please tell me next time my shorts are riding up from chub rub!!

This is the only one where I can see a slight difference.

Can't wait until the back pics don't look like a 5-tiered wedding cake!

My First Fill!

I was dreading it.  Filled with fear.  I am not a huge fan of needles anyway.  Actually that is not true.  I don't mind needles that take stuff out. For instance, I often like to watch while blood is being drawn.  It is needles that put stuff in that I don't like.  Probably something I should have thought about pre-band.

So, I was a nervous wreck waiting for my first fill.  Finally they called me in.  I got on the scale.  Down .5 from the last time I weighed in there.  There was a time in my life when that would have made me leap out of the 10th story window.  But today I just shrugged.  I am eating too much.  I have a teeny bit of restriction, so I am eating less than I used to but way more than 1 cup.  I didn't expect to lose big and at least I didn't rebound from all liquids by gaining. Very Zen.

Then Frank came in to do my fill.  I told him about the weird pressure I feel in the back of my throat when I lie flat on my back.  He said that some people experience it and it is the feeling of the band.  Because of that and because I am eating so much less than before, he decided that I should not be really aggressive with the fill because he thinks I am sensitive to the band.  He decided to go with 3cc. 

I got on the table and he started pressing around for my port.  Then Gaspar came in.  So, my first fill was with both Frank and Gaspar which is terrific.  He located my port and told me to put my arms behind my head and do a crunch.  I did and then before I knew it the needle was in and I was watching the CCs disappear.  It took no more than 2 minutes.  Then it hit me.  Of course it doesn't hurt.  It's fat.  There are no nerves in fat.  The initial prick of the needle through the skin was not even noticeable and it just slid through my lovely insulation.

I am back on liquids for two days.  I'm kinda hungry though.  Ok.  I am really hungry.  I have another appt in 3 weeks, so we'll see.

OH!  I got a trainer today.  More on her later, but I think I love her.  She's so petite and strong and she didn't care that I hadn't shaved my legs in much longer than I care to admit.

To be free one must give up a little part of oneself

I think my band is a man.  My BFF pointed out the other night that a man is usually the inspiration and motivation when women lose weight.  Speaking strictly for myself that is 100% true.  I have always lost weight as a way to get back at a guy and show him what he is missing.  Or get a prom date.  Or impress him with my sleeker physique and make him love me.  Totally unhealthy.  I get that. Anyway, going with tradition, I think my band might be the one man that gets me to goal.  Not any man though. Like 75% of the men in my life, I think my man-band might be gay.  I hereby christen my band after the most fabulous lady-man I know:

Ladies and Gentleman . . . Hedwig!

Bandster Hell

I think I am there. This past week my hunger came back.  With a vengenance.  I feel like I can eat an entire side of beef.  Sadly old habits die pretty hard, so I have tried to do exactly that.  But luckily, my band has stepped in a time or two and told me that while the desire is there, my body has changed.

I got home from work the other night and wandered around looking at menus because I just didn't have the energy to cook.  I ended up gettting two slices of pizza.  One sicilian and one regular.  This was my old standard from Nino's the place across the street.  Often times, I would walk to the bakery to get a slice of red velvet cake while my pizza was being heated.  Then I would walk home thinking, "Is this going to be enough food?"

A quick aside and then back to the pizza story.  I feel like I spent so much time pre-meals worrying about whether or not I was going to have enough food to satisfy my deep hunger pit.  This would often lead to an order of dumplings on top of whatever combination plate I was getting from the Chinese place.  Or garlic knots in addition to the two slices of pizza.  Or mozzarella sticks when I ordered lasagna.  And always a trip to get a cake or cookie to satisfy that need for something sweet after.  Is it any wonder that I weighed 300 lbs!?!?!?!?!?!?  The problem with this strategy was that if the food was in front of me, I would eat it.  Even if I was so full I had to lie down, I would wait until that feeling passed and then finish off whatever was left. 

Ok, back to the other night.  I went upstairs and ate the sicilian slice.  Much too fast and not chewed well enough for sure.  That is going to kick me in the ass after my fill on wednesday.  So then I moved on to the other one and about halfway through I realized that I was eating because it was in my hand  and because I love cheese.  But my body was begging me to stop.  I was uncomfortable, but felt like I had to keep going.  I did the unthinkable and threw it in the bag and then dumped it in the trash. 

I ate a slice and half of pizza (probably could have stopped at 1) for dinner and was done.  Me!  The woman who used to put down 3 slices in one sitting and then nibble on a fourth later that night. 

My weight has been up and down the last couple of weeks as I struggle to keep my portions under control and start introducing real food again.  But I don't give a shit.  (Huge lie, but humor me.)  My point is that the band is doing what it is supposed to.  It is keeping me in check.  It is now up to me to try to listen when the band tells me to slow down. 

Private Panic / Public Fabulousness

So despite my last post, I have been putting on a pretty good game face.  While my plateau is a bit infuriating and causing my inner angst, there have been some good things this week too!

A little background:  I love make-up.  Buying it, wearing it, applying it.  I am good at it.  My gays in my local MAC used to love to see me come in because I bought a crapload of product every time and I would let them experiment with my face. The bolder and brighter the better.  No neutrals. So for me to not wear at least mascara for over a year is a sure sign of MAJOR DEPRESSION.  Part of that is work, part is weight gain, and part is the stormy relationship with the EX.

Work for me is a mixed bag of boredom, frustration, and resignation.  I wish I loved my job, but I really don't.  For the last year, that has been clear to everyone by the hair in a bun at the nape of my neck schoolmarm style and the completely make-up free face I present every morning. 


All of that changed on Monday when I went to work.  I did my hair and put on make-up.  I took care to find a good outfit and I felt great.  I have kept it up every day last week.

Except Thursday.  Thursday I woke up late and didn't do my hair or makeup.  No big deal right.  Well, Thursday night I was sitting on the subway when I looked up and saw this:

MR. BIG was sitting across from me with all of his old Hollywood movie star handsome hotness.  No one else seemed to notice.  I surreptitiously put on some lip gloss and tossed in a piece of gum just in case.  Needless to say, he didn't talk to me.  I mean 29lbs is a great start, but I have a ways to go before I can turn the head of a man who dates women who look like this:

So moral of the story: look your best at all times because you just never know.

Is There a Negligent Blogger Award?

I am one.  A shitty blog writer.  A shitty blog reader.  And a shitty blog supporter. I have no excuse really.  Something is going on with me and I don't want to seem like a whiny baby, so I have not been blogging about it.  I am struggling.  It is more psychological than anything. 

I live in constant fear that I am doing this wrong.  I can't tell if I am eating enough or eating too much because I am never really hungry.  I realize that this is not a problem, but a blessing that I would have given a limb for 3 months. ago.  I am not complaining about that. 

I think this all stems from the fact that the scale has stopped moving.  I have been batting around the same two pounds for a week and the week before I only lost about 2 lbs.  Normal weight loss, I know.  But a severe let down after such big losses.  Basically, I have painted myself into a corner by being so excited about the big losses.  Now that it has stopped, I keep freaking out and wondering if I broke the band. I have a pain in the geneal area where I think the port might be.  Is that it flipping?  I wake up with a weird feeling pressure in the back of my throat if I am lying flat?  Is that an esophogial spasm? 

I AM MAKING MYSELF INSANE WITH WORRY!!!!!

I have got to stop being so neurotic.  The first step to doing that is to give up lapbandtalk. com. Before my surgery, I read every thread every night before I went to bed.  It made me feel informed.  It made me feel closer to my goal of getting banded.  Now that I have gotten banded all I ever seem to read about on there is people failing and weird complications.  For my own sanity, I need to give it a rest and have my own experience. 

If I see one more thread about someone not losing any weight after months of having the band, when I am at a plateau I might cry.  I will go back someday because there are a lot of positive things to learn there, but right now it just feels way too doom and gloom for my present panic. 

I need to pick myself out of this private panic room.  I need a plan.  A plan is only an idea until it is documented.  (Project Management rears its ugly head.)  Here is my plan:

• Start tracking daily intake.  Not to feel like a diet, but just to feel like I have some control and knowledge over what my actual intake is.  I will not do this forever.  Part of getting a band was that I don't want to spend my life tracking calories.  But until I learn how to eat again, I need training wheels
• Force myself to drink more water. 
• Start blogging again.  Every day.  Even if I just type nonsense. Whenever I put off doing something, but think about it all the time, it is a sign to myself that I fear that thing.  In most cases, it is a fear of confronting something.  In this case, blogging makes me feel accountable.  If I ignore that I have not lost any weight and don't put it down for anyone--including myself--to read, I can continue to pretend that this whole band thing is a breeze.
• Give myself a fucking break.  It has been three weeks.  I have had three decades to completely warp my eating habits and body image.  CHILL OUT.  This isn't going to happen quickly and I am not going to automatically wake up from surgery and know how and when to eat.  
• Vacuum the cat hair off of the damn treadmill and use it every night.  I have a treadmill at home and membership to TWO gyms with locations all over NY.  I have not worked out in two months.  I can't swim yet, but I can damn well get on the treadmill IN MY OWN HOUSE and walk for 30 minutes.  

See.  I feel better already.  I love a plan.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho It's Off to Work I Go

Today was my first day back in the office after being off for two straight weeks.  (I thank the SEC for imposing that rule because otherwise I would never take that long off at one time.) It was weird being back.  The reactions of my co-workers who know was hilarious.  Elevator eyes from everyone.  Two "You look so healthy" and one "You look so happy."  Who knew people would be so awkward?  I was holding out for just one "You look like you've lost weight."  Never came.  Almost 30 lbs people!! C'mon! I crave external validation.  I really need to work on that.  (I also need to work on exclamation points.  I don't know when it started, but I can't seem to stop using them!)

I am 3 lbs away from reaching my 10% goal.  The scale hasn't moved in about 5 days, but I am determined not to freak out about it.  I'm making healthy choices and today I got off the subway a stop early again and walked home.  Not because the train was broken again, but because I know I need to kick start my working out.  For now, let's ignore the elephant in the living room.  That would be the treadmill next to the TV.  I'll get there. 

Love seeing all of the pictures from BOOBs.  It looks like so much fun. Can't wait for next year, but I am really happy to have my bloggers back.  POST LADIES.  Lots of stories and pics. 

Move Over Rachael Ray

I cooked dinner tonight and it kicked ass!  I rarely cook.  Not because I don't enjoy it or know how, but because I live alone.  There are very few recipes that offer 1 serving.  However, one of the things I decided to do to help my weight loss is cook dinner every night.  No eating out for at least 1 month. 

I found a recipe for low fat creamed spinach which is on my list of mushies.  It is delicious! I also have about 4 cups of it and only managed to eat 3-4 bites.  Looks like I will be freezing creamed spinach and nibbling on it forever.  Low-fat Creamed Spinach I used PAM and skim milk, so the fat was reduced from what the nutritional info says. 

I also had flounder.  Again, only got down about half of a filet, but it felt nice to eat something with a fork for a change.

Oh! I slept through the night last night without any meds.  First time since surgery.  I was convinced I would be one of those people who had shoulder pain 2 years after surgery, so I couldn't be happier with this development.  I am just happy in general.  The scale is not moving, but today I put on the only pair of jeans that fit and they were looser!!! 

Happy BOOBS Weekend!!!!!

The blogosphere will certainly be quiet as the BOOBs take over Chicago this weekend.  I hope everyone has a great time and found the perfect outfits!

See you next year!

Why doesn't this come with a manual?!?

I don't think that I am doing this band thing right.  I have been prepared for the bandster hell period since reading about it in blogs and forums.  It hasn't happened for me.  I am 11 days out and I really have not been hungry yet.  Trust me, I am not complaining about this.  I love this feeling and, as Gaspar explained, this is the feeling of the sweet spot.  I get that swelling will go down before my first fill on October 11, but I am concerned about the amount that I am eating.

Yesterday:
1/2cup of cottage cheese w/ container of banana baby food
4oz chobani greek yogurt
1/2 cup ricotta w/ 1oz. mozz. and 2 tbsp of sauce
1 jello sugar free pudding

That does not seem like enough food.  I went to visit friends last night and walking up the steps from the subway damn near killed me.  I think I need more calories and protein, but I am scared of eating too much at one time (stretching the pouch).  I am also scared of eating between meals because I haven't really been hungry and I don't want to fall into old patterns where I eat "just cuz."

I will reach out to the nutritionist at NYU on Monday, and until then I guess I won't operate any machinery until I am sure I won't pass out. 

The scale stopped moving today.  I started to freak out and then talked myself off of the ledge.  Of course the scale stopped moving.  I am not eating. My poor, long-suffering body is now preparing for starvation.

I didn't realize how much anxiety I was going to feel in the beginning.  Every time I move too quickly or feel a slight twinge I am convinced it is my port flipping.  I have a twinge in my lower right abdomen that is most certainly the band slipping. (Regardless of the fact that my stomach is nowhere near there.)  AAAAAHHHHH.  I need to get myself together.  I am just so nervous about fucking this up somehow.  Everyone who knows is so invested and I am scared of disappointing other people and myself. 

Shit.

I have got to get out of the house. Maudlin does not sit well.  On a much happier note:

An NSV. For the last year I have been having trouble getting into cars.  I know it was the extra 35 that I had put on.  My right leg just wouldn't lift into the car without some help from me.  It is humiliating to have to pick up your leg to get it into a car.  I noticed yesterday that I was hopping in and out of cabs all day without helping my leg.  Such a stupid small thing, but it made me so happy.

Week 1 Post-Op

I am posting again and probably will give one more before the day is out.  I had a hard time while I was at my parent's and I am finally feeling better, so I want to get everything down before I forget.

My recovery has been a mixed bag.  In terms of the actual incisions, there has been virtually no pain at all.  I am so thankful for that.  By Day 3 it didn't really hurt to get out of bed anymore.

My greatest problem has been the left shoulder pain.  I have said this before, but I was COMPLETELY unprepared for how bad it would be.  If any pre-banders stumble upon this blog, I just want you to be warned.  On the night of Day 2, I shot out of sleep with such a terrible pain in my shoulder that I felt nauseous.  It felt like my arm was being sawed off with really hot butter knifes.  I got up and walked the length of the apartment about 50 times and then tried to sleep again.  Slept for about 30 minutes and then shot out of sleep again.  Rinse and repeat for the next 7 days. 

I called the doctor's office and the nurse that I talked to said that there was nothing that I could do.  I just had to wait it out.  During the day it would flare up, but at night it was constant and consistent.  I slept with my trusty blue heating pad on at all times.  That nurse is a LIAR.  I had my post-op yesterday and Gaspar told me to take Motrin.  It is an NSAID which is not advised, but it is an anti-inflammatory and may give some relief.  I bought motrin PM and took that last night.  I slept better than I have in a week.  I will take it again tonight and every night until this goes away.  He said for some people it is 1-2 weeks for others slightly longer.  If you listen to the hysterics over on lapbandtalk.com it can last for 5 years. I try to avoid those threads.

In case you aren't aware of what the pain is, it is nerve pain.  The gas pain typically registers in your chest and across both shoulders.  This pain in the left shoulder is referred pain from the diaphragm.  I am like an expert on this crap because I spent nights googling on my blackberry trying to see why I felt so bad.  The nerve endings for the diaphragm and the left shoulder are housed in the same spot on your spine (C3-C5).  The brain has trouble interpreting pain from some of your internal organs, so it looks at what else is in that spinal region and "refers" the pain there.  (There is probably a doctor who can refute or give more info, but this is how I understand it.)  This is the same reason that when you have a heart attack, you feel pain in your left arm.  The nerve endings are in the same spinal zone.

I am 9 days out now and the daytime pain is somewhat better.  Last night was bliss with the Motrin and I only woke up twice.  I feel rested for the first time since surgery. 

In terms of eating, I still have no appetite.  This is supposed to go away with the swelling and lead me into bandster hell.  I have my first filling on Oct. 11, and I am praying that the swelling subsides on Oct. 10.  I feel I have earned it after all this shoulder nonsense.

And I have thrush.  The nurse said it was from the antibiotics used during surgery.  So gross.  It is a yeast infection.  In my mouth.  I am skeeved out by myself, so I understand if I lose a follower.  Just letting you know it could happen.  They gave me a mouthwash that I have to gargle and then swallow.  The hits just keep on coming. But on a positive note, he did advance me to mushies 2 days early.  I had my first solid food in weeks last night.  Who knew cottage cheese could induce ecstasy.

I would do it over again in a heartbeat. I am 27lbs down today and eating like a bird.  Couldn't be happier. 

As Promised, Part II

I had Single Incision surgery.  So I have an incision right between my boobs and a larger one in my belly button. I really think this has helped in terms of recovery at the incision sites.  I have not had any pain at all from either of them.  The one in the belly button is almost completely healed now and the Steri strips are still on the one by my boobs. 

Aren't those doctors cute?

This one was a butterfly, but they changed the bandage.

Dr. Ren told my mom after the surgery that my liver was the skinniest part of my body.  She also said that given my size, my insides were surprisingly tiny.  I choose not to hear "For a fat girl, you have a small stomach" but rather "You are naturally inclined to be dainty, so stop fighting it."

So, I got to my room (1334) in the Women's Rehabilitation Center and my parents were there waiting for me.  I started texting everyone to let them know that I was out and ok.  There was some confusion from the start about whether or not I was going home that day or staying for the night.  I had to meet the post-op trifecta:

1. Drink something
2. Walk around
3. Pee 200ml

I started on ice chips and eventually 4 hours (after the end of surgery) they progressed me to sipping water. Every time the water passed through the band I felt a weird twinge in the left shoulder.  I thought, "if this is the shoulder pain I hear so much about, I can take it."

At this point, Rebecca and Meghan showed up at the hospital to visit.  Meghan, God bless her, came from work on her lunch hour and it took so long that she could literally only stay for 5 minutes.  Rebecca came at the same time with arms full of magazines.  It lifted my spirits to see my friends. We talked to my mom briefly before Meghan had to run.  I'd like to point out that Meghan and Rebecca both sat next to each other on one of those obesity chairs that they have in waiting rooms.  Why couldn't I have been born with those genes?!?

Getting in and out of bed was really painful and those hospital beds are torture. I kept sliding down. But I really didn't have much pain at the incision sites. So at this point I am still hooked up to an IV with a huge bag of fluid pumping in.  At around 5 or so, I felt like I could go for a walk.  The nurse helped my take off the irritating leg things and we went for a really small stroll.  I made it half the length of the hallway and then felt dizzy so I got back in bed.

I did have some pain throughout the day, but mainly centered around moving in and out of bed.  That is a necessary evil because they want you to walk and go to the bathroom and sitting in the chair felt like it was compressing everything.  So, I was taking pain medication regularly. Although, for some reason the doctor wrote an order for pain PILLS.  After drilling it in my head that I can't take pills anymore, this seemed like quite the oversight.  Luckily, my mom had filled my prescription for liquid Vicodin.  Hello, lovah!  I took some of that and floated above the room quite nicely.
My sister and my other friend Melissa came after work. At this point I really was feeling good. If you are paying attention, you'll see I have met 2 of the 3 Go Home conditions.  The third proved to be my downfall.  Apparently they need 200ml of urine at once.  After 1.5 IV bags, many spins around the hall, and countless teeny cups of water, it was after 9pm and I had only produced 50ml on two separate occasions.  I resigned myself to staying overnight and sent my friends and family home. 


During the largely sleepless night, I managed to unleash the floodgates and gave them a whopping 400ml.

In the morning they discharged me, and I went home to my parents.

Surgery Day--Part One

If I am never going to sleep again, I suppose I might as well blog.

My mom, dad, and I left for the hospital around 7:45 to drive into the city.  We hit major traffic, so I was already a basket case about being late.  As we made a right turn onto Canal FROM THE RIGHT LANE, some fool from Iowa in a pickup truck decides to make a right turn from the center lane. His truck clears our car, but unfortunately the enormous trailer he is towing does not. No one was hurt as there was minimal impact.  It was like it was happening in slow motion. So now, we all climb out of the car and start taking pictures. Except the driver of the other car.  My dad had brain cancer about 3 years ago and after the radiation he stopped shaving and cutting his hair.  He looks a little like a crazy person, and my mom and I are big ladies.  I think the Iowan was scared shitless.

 

At this point we are about 15 minutes late for my arrival time, so my mom and I jumped in a cab and left my dad to wait for the police. (I felt incredibly guilty about that, so my mom called my sister who works down the block and she went to wait with my dad.)

We get to the hospital and the only elevators that go up to the surgical center are being weird and just not opening.  I took this to be the final sign from God that I should go home and cancel surgery.  My mother, who is a bit more level headed just pushed the button again and the elevator came.

We went upstairs and I signed in.  No one cared that I was 30 minutes late. I talked to the guy at sign in and gave him my ID and insurance card.  He also made a copy of the healthcare proxy I filled out for surgery 4 years ago that my mother carries in her wallet to this day. (Level headed and ridiculously organized.)

About 10:15 they called me back and showed me to a private room with a gurnery, a huge recliner, visitor chairs and a tv.  The nurse gave me a hospital gown, cap, and socks.  I changed and my mom and I waited for the procession of medical personnel who started rolling in. They all asked the same questions: name; surgery; doctor's name; my birthday. One of the nurses I spoke to took my official surgery day weight. 292! Down 18 lbs. from pre-op start day.  I was thrilled and told Dr. Ren when she came in because I am a nerd who seeks approval from authority figures. She was happy and said it showed dedication. I preened like a stuffed peacock.

The next nurse in was Ann and she told me that she would be with me the whole time.  She and the anesthesia resident asked more questions and then told me it was time.  My dad called during all of this and was on his way uptown to the hospital.  My mom must have told them about the accident while I was in the bathroom because Ann-the nicest woman ever-stalled for about 5 minutes which was just long enough that he made it upstairs.  I got to kiss him goodbye before I went in.

Saint Ann held my hand and walked me to the OR. I climbed onto the table and they got to work.  The nurses put warm blankets on me, strapped me to the table, and then tilted it down. While this was happening the 11 year old anesthesia resident gave me a shot of lidocaine and then put in the IV in my left forearm.  Once that was placed they started putting stuff in the IV.  I remember saying, "Am I supposed to be feeling really high right now?" and thinking "Shit, I kissed Daddy, but did I kiss Mommy? She must feel so slighted." Next thing I knew someone was asking me if I had any pain or nausea. YES. She gave me something for that.

I was in and out for about 90 minutes.  My parents came back to see me twice in recovery and I believe the first thing I said was "Sorry for not kissing you goodbye, mama." She reassured me that I did kiss her goodbye and she never would have let me walk away if I hadn't. I remember feeling so relieved by that and falling asleep again. Then they moved me to my room on the Women's Rehabilitation floor.

Arrival Time: 9:30

Surgery Time: 11:15-12:22

So amazing how 3 hours can just change everything about your life and feel like 2 minutes.

Like many of TV's greatest shows, I am ending the season on a cliffhanger.  In other words it is 5:53am and I think I might be able to get back to sleep.  I'll post the rest of this no doubt spellbinding saga later tonight after I visit with my grandmother who is convinced that I will be skinny when she sees me. I sense a lot of disappointment this afternoon.

Ouch!!

Well, I did it.  I am a banded lady. Thanks for all of the pre-surgery support. 

Everything went smoothly--except for the car accident we had on the way to the hospital.  Luckily, no one was hurt. My mom and I took a cab the rest of the way and my dad met us there after dealing with the police.  I will document the whole NYU experience for dear Liz who goes next week. I had Single Incision Laproscopic Surgery (SILS) which means I have a tiny incision in the middle right under my boobs and then one in my belly button. The incision sites don't hurt at all.  Just a little tender all over really. 

I am not in too much pain right now.  Liquid Vicodin has a way of clearing that right up.  Well except for the SEARING, BURNING, TEARING OFF MY ARM pain in my shoulder.  GOOD CHRIST I was unprepared for that.  I have read about it on lapbandtalk.com but I underestimated how much it would hurt.  I feel like Mel GIbson in the Lethal Weapon movies when he dislocates his shoulder. They say it will get better but until it does, I can't lie down completely, so sleeping is not so great.

I am not hungry at all.  I have been struggling to get down the protein shake I made last night.  Isopure has been my true companion here and even that I have only had about 16 oz. in 2 days.  I know I need to get in more calories and protein, but I am struggling.  I might try some tomato soup tonight.  Who would have ever thought that I would be allowed to eat soup again and not want it.  This little band is gift from the heavens.  She needs a name.  I'm going to go take some more pain killer and see what comes to me.

I am still at my parent's and mom's computer runs by two little hamsters spinning wheels.  I swear I have never seen a machine so slow.  Anyway, I have to go and lie down again because this small post has taken me approx. 2 years to get through and I am tired again.

Conclusion:  This was so worth it.  I am so happy already and the fun hasn't even started yet.

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse

I feel like it is the night before Christmas.  I doubt I will sleep a wink tonight. I don't know if I have mentioned it, but a byproduct of this whole process has been happiness.  I have been so pleasant and not snarky.  Even at work, I can't seem to find my mean.  I suppose there are worse things to lose, but it is strange to not feel angry or annoyed all the time. Maybe it is being sugar-free.  Who know?  I just know that it seems to have come to an end.

Apparently, nerves for me manifest as irritability and crankiness.  I have been miserable all day.  You'd think that I would be chipper given tomorrow is the day I have been waiting for for months--if not my whole life on some subconscious level. I just can't get there. 

Anyway, I am going to nibble on my Brussels sprouts, finish my next to last pre-op shake, and try to find the joy in all of this.  Right now all I can think is that tomorrow I am taking a big step that may or may not work, but will definitely change everything.  I am sooo hungry these last couple of days and I can't imagine 1 cup of food even making a dent in that hunger.  I know this is all in my head. If I could just get out of my head, things would go back to normal. Wow. I am really rotten today! 

I took before pics last night (thanks Meghan and Rebecca!), but Lord Almighty I can't post them without an after.  I look like the Stay-Puft marshmellow man.  My back fat has back fat.  I'm just going to hang onto those bad boys until I can contrast them with a slightly more flattering version.

Off to my parent's apartment tonight.  I'll drive with them to the hospital in the morning.  Wish me luck friends!!! See you on the other side in bandland.

The rules are as follows:

1. Answer the question: If you had one chance to go back and change one thing in your life, would you and what would it be?

Hmm.  I wouldn't change anything because I have seen Back to the Future and The Butterfly Effect, so I know what might happen with even the smallest change.  But if I could change things with a guarantee that I would still have all the same friends and family, I would have continued with a psychology major and not switched to English.  I would have gone on to become the therapist to the stars or join the FBI as I always dreamed!

2. Pick 6 people and give them this award. You then have to inform the person that they have been selected for the award.

Lena
Kiki
So here is the thing, I am kinda new to the blog thing and I already nominated all the blogs I know.  I am going to have to spend my recovery learning new blogs and then I will update this post.

Is that cheating?  I hope Grace doesn't take it away!


3. You have to thank the person (people) who gave you the award.

As always, THANKS GRACE. 

Arrival Time: 9am; Surgery Time: 1:15

Well, 1:15, but probably earlier they said.  WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

(Grace, thank you for the award.  When I stop hyperventilating and freaking the hell out I will post it.)

A Peek Into the Crazy

I am supposed to find out what time my surgery is today.  They said that the list would be ready at 6pm, so I called at 2pm.  Russell answered.  I asked him about the time and he told me that the list was finished at 6:30pm and then they start calling patients and someone would call me.  I gave him my name and made him check anyway. Here was the conversation:

Me: So someone will call me?  What if I don't answer?
Russ: We will leave a message to call back.
Me: Will you give me the time?
Russ: No.  You will need to call us back.
Me: What if I don't get the message?
Russ: We will keep calling all weekend.
Me: So someone will definitely call.
Russ: Yes.
Me: Can you check and see what number you have for me?
Russ (looks it up): Actually we have several. How about 212-555-1212?
Me: Yes.  That is the best one.
Russ: Ok. Someone will reach out to you.
Me: Wait, how late are you open?  If I call will someone be there?
Russ: Yes 24 hours a day.  Ok bye now.
Me: Thanks Russ.  I'm just really excited.
Russ: I'm sure.

So finally I set Russ free.  Here it is 8:06.  No call.  I couldn't take it anymore, so about 30 minutes ago I called back.

"Hi, NYU, this is Russell."

I hung up. I panicked. I know he will remember the crazy.  I am gearing myself up to call again.  From a different phone just in case they have caller ID he won't know it was me that hung up before.

I think I might have officially crossed some line into nuts, but I can't seem to stop myself.

My Very First Blog Award

Thanks Maria!!! Your comments always make me smile.  You never forget your first . . . commenter that is.  Actually Catherine the Great was my first, but you were my second and you are much more consistent!  Humming the Golden Girls theme song as I type.

10 Things I Like:

1. Keep in mind that I am nearing the end of my pre-op diet, so it is quite hard to think of things that I like that are not food related.  I will limit myself to only 2.  My first is crab.  Crabcakes, crab legs, crab soup, crab dip.  Just call me Bubba because I could go on forever.
2. Second and final food item is cake. I have an unnatural craving for cake at all times.  I could be eating a piece of cake and thinking about how much I want some cake.  I am particular about the frosting though.  It must be buttercream.  Whipped cream frosting is a waste of cake.  Hopefully, the hall monitor in my stomach will address this issue.
3. BAD Television: I watch A LOT of TV.  Reality and scripted.  If it is crappy and on TV, I have likely seen it or have it is in the DVR for viewing later.  I would rather sit down to a rousing episode of Bachelor Pad than Mad Men.  It is a character flaw.
4. Blogging. I get to talk about myself endlessly without anyone calling me an egomaniac.  It is like therapy with an audience.
5. My Family and Friends:  My really good friends are my family and my actual family is amazing too.  I am so lucky to have such a supportive and wonderful group of people around me.
6. My Kindle:  I have always been a big reader, but for years I just re-read the same books that were already in my apartment.  That is the ultimate in laziness.  Now that I have the Kindle new books are just a click away and the gratification is instant.
7. TaeKwon-Do:  I haven't done it in about 3 years, but I really loved it.  I made it to red belt before I quit.  I always felt so fat and ungainly while doing it, but still I went almost every night to class anyway.  I might give it a try again once I lose some weight.  It is great exercise and it is SO kick ass to be able to say you are almost a black belt.
8. Bikram Yoga:  The hotter the better.  I surmise that this is because this is the one environment where I am not the only person pouring sweat.  Your body also feels great when you come out of a class. Very warm and limber and clean.
9. Before and After Pictures:  I could look at the pictures on lapbandtalk.com and blogs for hours. The first thing I do when I discover a new blog is go back to the first post to look for some befores.  There is just something sooo satisfying.  (I do not limit myself to weight loss before and afters.  All plastic surgery is welcome.)
10. This feeling right this minute.  I just had a suger free popsicle.  I'm sipping water.  Writing my own blog and getting ready to catch up with all of my blog friends.  In 4 days (today is over for the most part!) I am going to change my life forever.  This feeling of nerves and excitement mixed with pride for being so good on my pre-op is precious and I want to capture it so I can come back again when I am feeling down.

10 Blogs:

1. Maria! Obviously, she has stellar taste! She's also so amusing and kind.
2. Grace  is a sexy vixen who is so honest and real in her posts that I want to spoon her sometimes.
3. Amy   Oprah you need this girl on your final season. Make it happen.
4. Catherine Everyone's favorite bandster. Catherine is like the First Lady of the band blogging world.
5. Liz My NYU Langone partner.  She's right behind me in the process and we're close in weight and height.
6. Stephanie Irreverent, funny, and so sweet. I, for one, want to hear the stories of the hard partying days.  I am sure they are hilarious.
7. Angie So exciting watching her be the girl I wish I could have been had I been banded at her age. KEEP MAKING OUT WITH CUTE BOYS.  It's your right as a young hottie.
8. Pie Giving Christina Hendricks a run for her money.
9. Pamela She's a strong woman who makes me laugh
10. Lynn was one of the first blogs I ever read and she helped lead me to all of you

Official Greg and Mike Pickett Day!

I can't thank the inventors of Muscle Milk Light enough.  There are so many flavors.  It really makes this liquid thing sooo much easier.  In my pantry I have: Cookies and Cream; Dark Chocolate; Banana Cream; Cake Batter; Strawberry Milkshake; Chocolate Mint; Chocolate Peanut Butter.  I think if I were limited to Neopolitan flavors I would be much grumpier. 

So I decided to cheat today.  The entire way home I thought about walking to Iji and getting tuna tartare.  I even went online earlier in the day to calculate the calories and fat.  One stop before mine on the subway, the train broke down.  I sat there for twenty minutes waiting for it to move again.  I ended up walking the 3 blocks. Avenue blocks are long!  Don't judge.  By the time I got home, I just wanted to go upstairs and skipped the tuna.

So that is two kinda awesome things for me.  One, I didn't give in despite hours of fantasy and mouthwatering craving.  Two, I got off of the subway one stop early and walked.  It may not seem like a big deal, but I wouldn't even have considered it a week ago. I would have sat on the train until it moved.  11.8 lbs may seem like a drop in the 150 lb bucket, but it has given me a lot of hope and dedication. I feel fantastic.

Moving forward using all my breath

I used to have a countdown on the right nav bar of my blog that was keeping me motivated by ticking off all of the steps accomplished to get my band. I created it the day I created the blog when everything seemed so far away and I couldn't imagine how I would get through to surgery date. Well, surgery date is nigh. SEVEN days to be exact. This time next week I will either be in the OR, in recovery, or in the waiting room. I am beside myself with joy and nerves.

I am moving the countdown now because I don't really need it anymore, but it was a vital part of my pre-op journey.

I want to start something new today because today I am looking forward. I am starting to think about all of the NSVs to come. Those are the things that are going to keep me going when I get stuck and think what the hell have I done to myself!

But, for the sake of posterity here is my countdown:

PCP Visit: July 6 DONE
Shrink Visit: July 21 DONE
First Surgical Consultation: July 28 DONE
Insurance Submitted: August 25 DONE
Insurance Approved: August 30 DONE
Pre-Op Diet: August 30 STARTED
Pre-Op Testing at Hospital: August 30 DONE
Surgery Date:September 13

I won't be able to resist editing this post to add DONE to surgery Date :)

Edited to add pics of my goal asanas:

Padangustasana

Pada Hastasana

I'm Still Alive . . . and more importantly so are the cats

The liquid diet is not killing me. I don't want to get all prematurely excited, but I am down 8.6 lbs. SINCE MONDAY!!!!!! I know it is just water weight and if I gave in and ate a cheeseburger, it would all come back. Despite that, I am still doing a little dance every morning when I get off of the scale.

My goal was to get out of the 3s before surgery and it looks like I will do that. It has been so long since I successfully lost weight that I had forgotten what a high it can be. I had also forgotten that once you get started, you get addicted and just crave more and more. I am going to try not to get too obsessed with the numbers, but hot damn it feels good to see them going down for the first time in over a year.

When I was with my ex, I put on about 35 pounds in a year. I have to assume that is not normal, but I really don't know because I gain and lose that much regularly. My next small goal will be to get back to the weight that I was when I met him. That is almost exactly 10%, so that seems reasonable.

On the left we have me the week of my first date with X. I felt damn sexy that night.

On the right we have me at the BBQ mentioned early this month. I was wearing a Lane Bryant tent dress in a size 26. It had no pockets so my phone was clipped to my brassiere. Not so much with the sexy. I want to get back to the pink shirt picture in the next couple of months. (The picture on the right also happens to be the last picture I will ever untag for mortification reasons in Facebook. There is a pre-band NSV!)


My goal by February is to be back where I was on New Year's Eve 2006. I worked my ass off literally from August until December 26 when I went on vacation. I look at this picture now and I could cry that I ever let myself get back to where I am now. I mean not to toot my own horn, but I look HOT in this picture! I'll be there again--and someone here will get that sexy little size 16 cocktail dress with the gold chain straps.

In unrelated news, I have a blog etiquette question:

Help me seasoned veterans. I have issues. What is the protocol on comments? You all write such wonderful and supportive comments on posts and I want to answer, but I don't know where.

1. Do I answer in my own comments? How will you know?
2. Do I answer in your comments to one of your posts? Will that even make sense?
3. Do I write a new blog entry to answer comments from a previous blog entry?
4. AM I OVERTHINKING THIS COMPLETELY????

I suspect the answer is #4. I just want to acknowledge how supportive you guys are. So thanks! The last 2 months have flown by in part due to all the help and advice from this terrific community. I can't believe I am being banded in ten days!!!!

Day two and the realization I will never win Survivor

Everything I read tells me it will get better, but LORD am I hungry. I know now that I could not survive on a desert island. I am giving this two more days and then I am eating my cats.



Ok, not really, but if I had a pet pig he would be in serious danger.

Pre-Op testing

Double Blog. I know. Lame. But, I wanted to document the pre-op testing experience. Liz, I know you are using NYU also, so if you have not gone already, here is what you can expect.

I got there at 11 and gave them the papers I had already filled out from Dr. Ren. There were questions about allergies, drinking, smoking, weight, family history. The usual questions. When I was talking to Angela--the nicest nurse ever--she also asked questions about where I will be recovering. If there are stairs or an elevator. Luckily, I am going to my parent's and there is an elevator, but I wonder what they would do if it was a walk-up. While Angela was asking questions, Michelle was giving me an EKG.

Next step was giving blood. I have bad veins. They have been small and hard to find since I was a child. The extra 150 lbs. has not really helped that all that much. Last time I went to my PCP they stuck me 10 times. TEN GODDAMN TIMES and still I had to go out to a lab. Anyway, Angela and Michelle were really nice and only tried once. Then we moved onto my hand. Eventually they got enough blood, but I am NOT looking forward to the IV next week.

Then I met with the anesthesiologist. For 5 minutes. Literally. She told me to not eat anything from midnight on. Not even a mint or gum. Nothing. Then she said ok see you in two weeks. Should we have talked about more? I am hoping they have a few more questions on the day of or I might get nervous.

Next stop was chest x-ray. Took ten minutes. I was out of there by about 12:15 and would have been sooner, if my veins weren't so shitty.

So there you have it. The pre-op testing.

My god. Hunger has made me so dull. I apologize if you have slogged through this post to this point. My gift to you:

The Highs and Lows of the Band Journey

Approved! Approved! Nilsa called me today. I had started convincing myself that it wasn't going to happen and then they called. I am so relieved and nervous and giddy.

Two weeks from today, my life will be completely different. The obvious things will change: less food; less weight; more energy. It is the unexpected things that are terrifying. I have never been thin. I have no idea what to expect.

What if my face changes and I actually don't have "such a beautiful face" when thin?

What if I have an apron that I can't afford to have tucked?

What will I hate about myself if it isn't my weight? I am going to really have to have a long talk with Vera about changing our game plan with therapy. For years, we have been talking about my weight. Then we were talking about my relationship. Both of those things will be non-issues pretty soon.

But despite all of the nerves, I am so excited and happy. I KNOW this is the right thing for me. I KNOW that I need to make a change that I can't go back on. I KNOW I will be successful. Know what else I know? I AM REALLY HUNGRY!!



My pre-op diet started today. So far I have had: 2 20oz shakes (chocolate mint & strawberry); a sugar free jello; a sugar free popsicle; 2 cups of spinach with fat free italian dressing; and a cup of beef broth. I have another shake for later and then I am going to take an Ambien to put me out of my misery.

I thought that by starting early with a modified diet, I would be prepared for the real thing. I am so not. 75% of this hunger is probably in my head, but wow. It blows.

I promise no more itemized lists of what I ate. SO boring, but if I don't keep my fingers busy I am going to start chewing on them.

Now We Wait

Well, it's the home stretch. My papers have been submitted to United Healthcare. This surgery has always seemed like a certainty to me. From the second I decided to do it, I have not doubted that I would have it done. Now that there is actually a chance that someone might tell me no, I am a little panicky.

I was totally confident until someone called from NYU on Monday and said that I needed a 5 year weight history. I have not gone to the doctor regularly for 5 straight years. I hate going to the doctor because they always tell me to lose weight. Um thanks. I hadn't thought of that.

I do go to my gyno regularly because I always convince myself that I have STDs. Not because I am promiscuous anymore or because I have symptoms. More because I don't have symptoms and I saw a Law and Order once where a guy had syphilis and killed a bunch of people because he didn't know. Apparently it scarred me. Irrational? Yes. I often am.

Anyway, my old gyno was a hot guy. Not advised. I would find myself afraid to tell him stuff because it was embarrassing. I would also primp and get nervous like it was my wedding night. None of this was good, so I found another doctor.
I called the office to get my records and the woman told me 2 weeks minimum. For those of you who hang your hat on my every word, you know that my surgery is in two weeks.

In the end it worked out. I don't need the 5 year history and now I just wait for my approval. Because it has to come. I will sell my body and go self-pay if need be. There is a large porno market for the rotund as I learned from an ex-boyfriend . . . but that's a blog for another day.

Eureka!!

WARNING!!! SERIOUS FOOD PORN AHEAD

My family had a big BBQ this weekend. Now when most people think BBQ, they think about hot dogs and hamburgers. Right? Please let me list for you the food that was there yesterday:

• Hot Dogs
• Hamburgers
• Chicken legs
• chicken cutlets
• steak
• sausage
  
• stuffed fish
• macaroni and cheese
• macaroni salad
• spaghetti salad
• sweet potatoes
• peas and rice
• cupcakes

and if that is not enough . . . propane stoves:

one for frying fish
one for frying chicken
and one for frying TWO turkeys

Is it any wonder that we have a history of obesity, diabetes, and high blood pressure in our family? MY LORD!!!!!

I think my family may have an unhealthy relationship with food. All of the research that I have done for the band has really made me think about food and the role it plays in my life. I will not list what I ate yesterday, but suffice it to say, I hit almost all of those bullet points.

I think in order to be successful with my band, I might need a new family. Does anyone want to adopt me. Preferably a family of athletes. I imagine their BBQs are a single pack of turkey dogs and a side salad.

Now on to something serious.

A friend of my cousin brought her 8 year old daughter and my cousin and I noticed her eating a hot dog behind a tree. When we questioned her mother, my blood boiled. Her father keeps telling her that she is getting fat and criticizing everything she eats, so now she eats in secret and hides food. EXCUSE ME?!?!?!!?!? Her mother sounded annoyed by it, but not nearly as outraged and furious as I felt. I am still pissed. This little girl is a beautiful child and clearly a healthy weight. But even if she wasn't, her father is a jackass that is guaranteeing a daughter with a lifetime of eating issues. PS: her father is morbidly obese.

I felt really impotent and the only thing that I could thing to do was tell her my story. I told her how when I was a child my grandmother used to tell me that I looked like a cow and that I was getting fat. I started hiding food and eating in secret. I stuffed up the toilet in my house by trying to flush down the wrapper from a bag of potato chips that I wolfed down in the bathroom. I learned to eat when no one was around and then eat again with everyone. I ended by telling her that I now weigh 300 hundred lbs and I am weeks away from having something permanently installed in my body because I can no longer eat like a "normal" person. I don't know if it made any difference, but I didn't know what else to do. I hope to Christ that her mother is strong enough to fix the damage that has already been done and to kick her husband in his self-hating fat ass the next time he says something like that.